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18-02-2026Fuck. My mind seriously hasn’t shut up since I met you. Here I am, giddy as a schoolkid on the playground, wondering when you might walk through the door. And then you do, and then I forget all of the incredibly cool things I planned to do and say. In fact, I hardly manage to get out a “Hi” when you stand next to me, and all of a sudden, my mind flashes, and I think about what you look like in the mornings or how you like your eggs or how many sugars you like. I wonder if you wanted to talk as much as I wanted to talk to you, which maybe you did since you spoke to me after all. Fuck why was I so awkward?  Then I act cool and nonchalant after a brief exchange, and oh shit, please let me know if you can tell im nervous, or if you think im rude, or if I really did seem nonchalant. None of those is what I really want. God, I wish I could have been as charming as I planned to be in my head.

Later that night, we were separated into groups. I was all cool in the corner. I wonder if you saw me. Oh god, maybe you saw me. Maybe I looked totally uncool. Playing it back in my mind, I absolutely see how I could have looked completely uncool, but at the time, I felt like an Olympian. Damn it, why did I choose to actually ~work~ on improving something rather than being all impressive with the things I actually do know? Shoot. 

All hope is not lost. I’ll see you again tomorrow. I need to remember, my goal isn't just to ‘impress’ you, it's to genuinely engage with curiosity. Take the pressure off, and even though im totally smitten, smitten-ed, smut, in every possible way, I must remember that the end goal (of falling in love happily ever after) comes from being a delightful version of myself worth being with, and that comes from being thoughtful of how I act. Nonchalant is not cool, not sexy. So be normal, Emily. Ask questions, engage, don’t overthink it.

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